What is Aquaphor?
Aquaphor Healing Ointment is a thick, glossy skin protectant made mostly of petrolatum, with a few soothing extras like glycerin and panthenol. It forms a barrier that locks moisture in, which is why people use it on chapped lips, dry hands, cracked heels, new tattoos, and minor scrapes.
To most people, it's just a tub in the medicine cabinet. To Splurge, it would become something more.
The discovery
It happened on an ordinary day. A friend's backpack. A small white tub. Splurge picked it up, twisted the lid, and stared into the glossy depths like he'd found treasure.
He dipped one finger in. He applied it. And then he went quiet.
"Bro. Why didn't anyone tell me about this."
Never human again
From that day on, Splurge simply proceeded to become an alien. From Kepler-29b, Sector 7. No explanation. No warning. He was never human again.
That's why he got banned from Planet Fitness.
And despite all of it, despite the ointment, despite the transformation, he is still a filthy animal.